My Doubts and the Eucharist

Before becoming a priest, there was a strong feeling of unworthiness inside me. This feeling hunted me to the core of my being and led me to enormous discomfort and serious reflection about my vocation.

There was a question that haunted me:

When I eventually become a priest, will the bread and wine become Jesus Christ himself?

I believe Jesus in the Eucharist. I believe in the real presence. But I started to doubt myself in the face of this Great Mystery. The Eucharistic encounter where Jesus tells of the bread and wine as his body and blood are recorded in Mark and in John. Thus, this means there are multiple attestations to this reality of the Mass. However, I doubted myself as an instrument Of this reality. How can someone who is human and sinful to the core be able to minister to the Altar of God?

This became a powerful fact for me until one old priest whom I shared this struggle with told me: “Because you are thinking about yourself more.”

I was speechless because he was right. Perhaps, upon the announcement of my Ordination, I started to claim everything for myself and by myself. I started think I will be the center of my priesthood and the sacraments I will minister upon.

Everytime doubt besieges me, I take to heart not to focus on myself. It is a struggle really to stop relentless self-reference. Perhaps it is correct to say that the more one exalts himself, the more the doubt becomes stronger. Because “whoever exalts himself will be humbled” (Matthew 23:12). We are humbled by our doubts because in reality the ego cannot be a reference to faith.

Doubt haunts me because I clang to self-reference.

In reality, it is not I who transubstantiates the Bread and Wine into becoming the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ. It is God himself. In fact, thinking of this is a blasphemy and a disservice to the Eucharist and the Priesthood.

The sin does not transubstantiate. God’s grace does.

The instrument is not the agent. The Holy Spirit is.

The priest is not the agent, only the instrument.

The Second reading tells us “For this reason he is mediator of a new covenant: since a death has taken place for deliverance from transgressions under the first covenant, those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance.”

Jesus Christ is the basis for the Eucharist, and not a single person. Jesus Christ is now the covenant which God makes with his people through the Eucharistic Sacrifice. The references are not the Blood of goats nor our sinfulness. The reference is always Jesus Christ.

In fact, the Humeral Veil serves this purpose. The clothe being used when the Blessed Sacrament is brought into procession is called the Humeral Veil. (Please refer to the picture where Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI) It is a piece of cloth that is used to cover the priest so the people won’t look at the priest much and instead focus on Jesus on the Blessed Sacrament.

This is the reason why even when the instrument person is sinful in his totality, the Mystery of the Body and Bloody of Jesus comes true all the time whenever the Eucharist is celebrated. God performs the transubstantiation himself. The priest is there as bodily instrument. He is there as another Christ.

When I came to internalize this not just from the lessons in the classroom or books but on the level of the heart, I became more invigorated to celebrate the Mass. When I look at the bread and wine, I don’t see myself anymore nor my sins and my enormous capacity to sin but I see God’s enduring love.

The Eucharist is the life of the world.

Our reference is always his Love.

Our compass is always the Holy Spirit.

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READINGS (THE MOST HOLY BODY AND BLOOD OF CHRIST)

FIRST READING Ex 24:3-8

When Moses came to the people and related all the words and ordinances of the LORD, they all answered with one voice, “We will do everything that the LORD has told us.” Moses then wrote down all the words of the LORD and, rising early the next day, he erected at the foot of the mountain an altar and twelve pillars for the twelve tribes of Israel. Then, having sent certain young men of the Israelites to offer holocausts and sacrifice young bulls as peace offerings to the LORD, Moses took half of the blood and put it in large bowls; the other half he splashed on the altar. Taking the book of the covenant, he read it aloud to the people, who answered, “All that the LORD has said, we will heed and do.” Then he took the blood and sprinkled it on the people, saying, “This is the blood of the covenant which the LORD has made with you in accordance with all these words of his.”

RESPONSORIAL PSALM Ps 116:12-13, 15-16, 17-18

R. (13) I will take the cup of salvation, and call on the name of the Lord. or: R. Alleluia.

How shall I make a return to the LORD for all the good he has done for me? The cup of salvation I will take up, and I will call upon the name of the LORD. R. I will take the cup of salvation, and call on the name of the Lord. or: R. Alleluia. Precious in the eyes of the LORD is the death of his faithful ones, I am your servant, the son of your handmaid; you have loosed my bonds. R. I will take the cup of salvation, and call on the name of the Lord. or: R. Alleluia. To you will I offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and I will call upon the name of the LORD, My vows to the LORD I will pay in the presence of all his people. R. I will take the cup of salvation, and call on the name of the Lord. or: R. Alleluia.

SECOND READING Heb 9:11-15 Brothers and sisters: When Christ came as high priest of the good things that have come to be, passing through the greater and more perfect tabernacle not made by hands, that is, not belonging to this creation, he entered once for all into the sanctuary, not with the blood of goats and calves but with his own blood, thus obtaining eternal redemption. For if the blood of goats and bulls and the sprinkling of a heifer’s ashes can sanctify those who are defiled so that their flesh is cleansed, how much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from dead works to worship the living God. For this reason he is mediator of a new covenant: since a death has taken place for deliverance from transgressions under the first covenant, those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance.

ACCLAMATION BEFORE THE GOSPEL Jn 6:51

R. Alleluia, alleluia. I am the living bread that came down from heaven, says the Lord; whoever eats this bread will live forever. R. Alleluia, alleluia.

GOSPEL Mk 14:12-16, 22-26

On the first day of the Feast of Unleavened Bread, when they sacrificed the Passover lamb, his disciples said to him, “Where do you want us to go and prepare for you to eat the Passover?” He sent two of his disciples and said to them, “Go into the city and a man will meet you, carrying a jar of water. Follow him. Wherever he enters, say to the master of the house, ‘The Teacher says, “Where is my guest room where I may eat the Passover with my disciples?”’ Then he will show you a large upper room furnished and ready. Make the preparations for us there.” The disciples then went off, entered the city, and found it just as he had told them; and they prepared the Passover. While they were eating, he took bread, said the blessing, broke it, and gave it to them, and said, “Take it; this is my body.” Then he took a cup, gave thanks, and gave it to them, and they all drank from it. He said to them, “This is my blood of the covenant, which will be shed for many. Amen, I say to you, I shall not drink again the fruit of the vine until the day when I drink it new in the kingdom of God.” Then, after singing a hymn, they went out to the Mount of Olives.”